SIBLING RIVALRY

 

 

 

Introduction

Sibling rivalry can be devastating! Trouble between siblings can take many different forms as RIVALRY, STRIVE, or ABUSE. Brothers and sisters can be best friends, bitter enemies or both, depending on the circumstances, the time of the day or their moods. Siblings can be surprisingly loving toward each other, and they can be shockingly cruel. This however does not means they don't love each other.  The essence of this article is to enable teenagers and parents to understand rivalry between siblings and be able to deal with it accordingly.

 
^{Form of Siblings Troubles}

^{Sibling rivalry.}

Sibling Rivalry is as an emotional or physical assault that makes the victims to feel bad about themselves. It is a natural and common phenomenon within the family. At times, it is unavoidable between brothers and sisters of the same family; steps sisters and brothers and also between teenagers. It is a spirit of jealousy or competition between siblings or (step-siblings) in a family. Statements as 'I will report you to Mum' are common among siblings as a result of rivalry. A Teenager once told me about a non cordial relationship between her and her elder brother who at times would buy her things and some other times, could be so cruel to the extent of beating her.

^STRIVE
Sibling strive is very destructive. It makes teenagers to contend in opposition with each others.  Tony and Kinsley are two brothers from the same family. Tony is younger, but a bit large while the elder brother, Kinsley was slimmer and smart. However, rivalry between them would made Kinsley tease about the weight of his younger brother, calling him a 'plum fat'  and driving him to tears in front of others and generally ridiculing him for being a "Cry baby" !

ABUSE
Relationship between siblings can sometimes degenerate into abusive behaviour and patterns. Siblings are more likely to become abusive if they themselves feel victimized. Abuse can range from name-calling and inciting fear in a younger sibling, to threatening, destroying a Sibling's personal possessions, or physically scratching, hitting, or kicking a sibling.

Siblings Abuse is common among teenagers in schools and homes. Some example of abusive words are, 'Big Head', 'Look at her head like coconut-head',

'Big stomach', 

'Fish brain',

'See the way he's working like jelly fish...',

'Pepeye',, 'Your head is like pure a water bag........', etc 

 

^{The Causes of Sibling  Rivalry.}

Sibling Rivalry is simply the natural result of multiple children in a family, vying for attention and affection.  When parents gives more attention to a child more than the other, they are seriously creating problems for their wards. Sibling Rivalry can be as a result of the following:

Parents' preferential treatment on sibling.

 Unhealthy or unfavourable comparisons. The root of all feelings of inferiority is comparison.  It is therefore highly inflammatory to compare and commend one child at the expense of another. Parents, especially mum should please exercise caution on matters of academic performance and intelligence by not comparing their teens with others teenagers.

 

Jealousy of a sibling's talents, friends, appearance, grades, and family privileges.

Though Sibling rivalry can be a devastating factor in a family relationship, it can also be a positive factor...(To be continued).

 

 

The Challenges of Teenagers.

 

 

 

The Challenges of Teenagers.

The teen's year ranges between the age of thirteen and seventeen and it is the year between Childhood and adulthood. Though the teen's years are most enjoyable, it is also a period when  many teenagers go through a lot of challenges. Some of these challenges which are  Lust, Environmental Influences, Peer Pressure, Gangsterism and Cultism, Insufficient Parental Care, and Educational challenges.

Lust

Teen's  years are characterized by the onset of puberty and many accompanying struggles, including understanding and coping with an awakening sexuality. Adolescent girls and boys encounter many thoughts and feelings that are both new and disturbing. They begin to notice physical development and attractiveness of the opposite sex, and also develop an intense fascination with romantic and sexual matters.  Teens do not only experience various hormonal changes, in their bodies, they are also largely unprepared for the hormonal surge and surprises that occur as a natural physiological part of the adolescence. Usually, they are yet to learn how to control and channel their sexual urges, and sensations  that leave them often bewildered and frightened.

They gets involved in sensual desire and believe that nothing is wrong with dating the opposite sex as long as they do not get into the 'real acts'. Lust sometimes begins with seemingly harmless actions such as holding of hands, embrace or hug and constant chats with the opposite sex.  This frequent, private communication leads to emotional attachment and entanglements and oftentimes, Lust is induced by the things the teens see or hear. The kinds of programmes they watched on television, Internet, radio and the kinds of company they keep.  Lust is a critical problem for today's teens than for teens of previous generation. 

Environmental  Influences

Today's teens face a culture that is obsessed with sex, sexual attractiveness, and sexual gratification. Television programs , movies, previews, magazine adverts, billboards and commercials as well as styles of clothing are often blatant in their attempt to arouse the viewer sexuality. The teen's years are typically characterized by a search for self identity, an effort to discover "Who am I and where do I fit in", and the teens sexuality is a part of that mix, and for some teenagers, lustful fantasies become a slave to their fears and insecurities.

 

Peer  Pressure.

Another challenge most teenagers go through today is peer pressure. Teens face severe pressure to act, dress, talk in certain ways and join certain groups and to try certain things, and any deviation from what is considered the "normal" or "popular thing to do " can result in ridicule and rejection. Though peer pressure can be positive, it can also be negative. Bad company influence teenagers negatively and lead them astray.  Peer influence or pressure have been associated with episodes of teens risk taking, such as the use of alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, drugs.

Many  teenagers listen to wrong and evil counsels of peers who tell them to go into immorality because it is what is in vogue. They suggest and scheme to lure them into having premarital sex. Even when  a teenager decides not to join in the act, they are been deride for being naive or being a virgin and being the odd person among the company. 

Insufficient Parental Care.  

Lack of Interest and involvement on the part of the parent for teenagers is another major problem  that has reached a crises stage in the world today.  Many parent finds giving appropriate attention and care to one or more children together with already considerable responsibilities  of marriage and carrier, a nearly impossible job.

These days, a lot of parents are too busy and do not have time for their teens. They tend to neglect them if they are preoccupied with anything, especially social advancement. Today's society urges men and women to "have it all"  and to "have it your way": Earn a six figure income, send your teens to private school, and work out every day, vacation in the Bahamas etc. Parent who buy into this "have it all"  mentality typically neglect their teens emotional needs, choosing (consciously or unconsciously) to place their "needs" ahead of their teens needs. Aside availability to the teenagers, many parents lacks parenting skill to take care of the teens physically and emotional need.

Gangsterism and Cultism.

Cowardice, greed, lust for power and gullibility have led many teenagers into gangsterism and cultism. Some teenagers were persuaded into it, while some were threatened and physically harassed into it, others just wanted to have power they could demonstrate at anytime and anywhere they found themselves. Many teenagers have been expelled from school and some have died prematurely because of cultism and gangsterism.

 

Educational Challenges

Another challenge teenagers experience is the problem of underachievement. While some teenagers seem to mature with little difficulties and gain clear understanding of their potentials and limitations, other teens resist the challenge to develop their potential.  Many teenagers fail at school and experience other problem academically that may last a life time. Often times they go through the fear of failure, anxiety that drive them to a point of exhaustion and eventually inefficiency.

 

Academic problems are frequently indicators of larger problems that a teenager is going through. These problems range among personality and lifestyle, societal and economic factor, and the family. Oftentimes, some teens fail to achieve good grade in school because their basic need are not met.  They lack the ability  to concentrate,  poor self motivation, and are unwillingness to stay on learning task. This may  later result in the teenager drooping out of school.

.....to be continued.

 

ZOA  Oladejo.

 



The Woman: The Home Builder And Challenges of Contemporary Times.

 

...The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.
                                                              (Proverbs 14:1).

 

 

It is the desire of everyone, to have a happy home.  A home where there is peace, well trained and cultured children. A home where God's love radiate between the husband, wife and the children. A home where there is trust and self discipline. The impact and influence of the woman in building a happy home cannot be overemphasized and to a great extent, the women plays a significant role in building a happy home.                                                                                     

A godly wife is a strong and capable woman. She is wise and she is righteous. She is valuable to her husband and to her family    

                          (Proverbs 31:10).

To begin to understand the role of women within the family, and in building a happy home, it is important to understand the background in which the woman was created. The  bible describes Eve as a helper (Genesis 2:18 ). The bible also affirms that God created Adam from “the dust of the ground” (Genesis 2:7). Then, from “the rib which the Lord God had taken from [Adam]” He made Eve (Genesis 2:22).  Thus The bible, describes the first woman Eve, as a "help meet for the man" .  To build a happy home, a woman should bear in mind the purpose for which she was created and set for herself definite goals to fulfil that purpose.
 

In recent times, the home is not what it should be, with regards to God's standard for Christians home. A lots of Homes are in shamble, with husband and the wife going in different directions on issues relating to the family. Many  wayward and morally disgruntled children are products of the family, these days. Tragically, in today’s society, poor value is placed on the family, and this seems an unimportant obligation to some.  In the most extreme cases, where relationship in the homes are not well managed, breakdown of the homes arises, leading to divorces cases.
 

In recent times, our societal continual focus on material wealth has been a key factor influencing many women in becoming “freed” from their status as homemakers. The rising need to be a financial support to the husband and the need to be a career woman, has made many women to accept jobs in the corporate world. For lots of women, who cannot manage both the home front and the Job without one affecting the other, this decision has denies many of a happy home. However, according to the scriptures, God did not intend women to be  "freed” from their role of being  a loving mothers, caring wives, zealous Christians and devoted bondservants of Christ.
 

The woman is a home builder. The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands."  Woman!  How well are you building your home? Or par adventure you are being foolish by pulling it down with your own hands.  To build a happy home successfully,  a woman have a major role to play and it is also of great importance to know that it takes wisdom to build a happy home.

 

Wisdom in building a happy home.

Wisdom of love

A woman is expected to love her husband and to love her children. In building a happy home, a woman should display a high level of love to her husband and children. By this, I mean unconditional love. A woman should not to show love to her husband mainly because of what she is getting from him or based on the facts that things are rosy. Likewise a woman must be available to her husband and should not deny him of his rights.
 

 for "Many are the right of the husband". I Corinthian 7:5 says,  "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer"

 

Often times, as career women, we return from our offices and private businesses, feeling very tired due to the stress of the day. This notwithstanding, your husband would still demand for his right, please give it to him. It helps in building a happy home. Don't be surprised that he see lots of women out there and don't push your husband to look for it outside. Some Christian women are too spiritual when it comes to this aspect in a Christian home. "We can't be more spiritual than the bible" like my husband use to say. The Bible says, give it to him, nothing less.

Be available for your children as well. Talk to them and you will marvel at what they know. Don't leave this responsibility to the children worker in church and school alone. We are in the Information Age where children are exposed to a lot and knows many things. Get to know their challenges and fears and above all, lead them to commit their fears unto The Lord !

 

Wisdom of submission

While it is most clear today due to many factor, that women have comparable qualities and strengths as men, God has ordained that wives should submit to their husbands “as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18), and that “…the head of woman is man” (1 Corinthians 11:3). Wives are to “submit to your own husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22).

To build a happy home we must be submissive.  Don't ever say of your husband 'what has he got to offer.?' Or 'I will do it my own way'. It doesn't work like that. Be humble and submit to your husband and your home will flourish. Submit to your husband and you will avoid a lots of trouble in your home.

Wisdom of training.

The woman has the role of being a wife and a mother, rearing godly children, and teaching her children in God’s laws (Genesis 1:28; Proverbs 1:8; 6:20; 22:6; 23:22). It is your responsibility to teach and train the children—both boys and girls in God’s laws.  

 

 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.  (Deuteronomy 6: 7).

 

.........My son, hear the instruction of your father, And do not forsake the law of your mother.
(Proverbs 1:8).   

 

....She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
Proverbs 32: 26).

 

A good woman that want to build her home has the prerogative to train the children God has given to her. These days, mothers are too preoccupied with their work and there is little or no time at all to train their children in the way of the Lord and to impact into them, good moral values. Often times, most  women are out as early as 6:00am and would not return as late as 10:00pm or even beyond. They don't even realize the vacuum being created by their unavailability for the children and the husband until it is too late.
 

Woman! are you always running up and down for things of life and you are not available to train your children? hmm!, it has a negative implication in the nearest future. The Yoruba's in the western part of Nigeria in West Africa has the saying that "omo ti a o ko, lo n gbe ile ti ako ta '. Meaning "an untrained child is one that will eventually sell everything we have built and laboured for".  When you train your children, you will  have peace in your home and you will be happy.

Wisdom of being a trusted helper and wise  counsellor. 

Indeed, a good wife is meant to be a trusted confidant and a valuable counsellor to her husband. God expects us to be trusted helpers and wise counsellors.
 

.....And the LORD God said, “ It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”   (Genesis 2:18).
 

Eve, is a tragic example of a woman who made a terribly foolish mistake. She was “foolish” to engage with the serpent and was doubly foolish to push something onto her husband that she knew was contrary to God’s will. Adam was guilty of being led astray by his wife.

 

How are you leading your husband astray too. Are you always available to take vital decisions regarding the home ,with your husband or the man is being left alone to do it. Some women would say, it is the responsibility of the man to pay school fees, and house rent, provides money for food and to carry virtually all the responsibilities in the home.

 

Woman, what are you using the money you are earning to do? Some would buy cloths, lace, shoes, gold etc, some women even invest it without their husband knowing about it because of "some good reasons" best known to them.  I'm not saying that these things are not good to buy, but I counsel you to do it in the right proportion in order to assist at home.

 

Woman! you are in that man's life to help him. You are his "help meet'. He can't do it alone and you can't either. Help him out. Nothing is too small to do and nothing should be too big to do on your part.  Have full confidence in your husband. Counsel him rightly on issues regarding  your family and you will have a happy and successful home.

Wisdom in speech

To build a happy home, a good Christian woman must exhibit wisdom in speaking. Being a 'Lousy Brat', does not help in building a happy home. Woman!, learn to control your tongue. Even if you are the one paying all the bills. Also when you are being provoked, control your tongue.
 

Proverb 9: 13

However, He chastens the foolish woman as being “loud and brash” and “ignorant” without even knowing it ( NLT).
 

The Yoruba's  in the western region if Nigeria, West Africa would say  ' A ki ta ara ile eni lopo, ki a ri ra Lowon ' meaning you cannot sell members of your household cheaply, and still expect to buy back at a high price with gain.  A good woman who want to build a happy home will not talk lousy or speak anyhow about her husband and family. Even if your husband falls short of your expectations, it is not your own duty to sell him so cheaply to the public and by this, I mean your friends, relatives, siblings, neighbour, etc. Remember, he is still your head.

 

In conclusion, as you focus on God and your family applying all the wisdom above, all your effort will not be in vain and you will succeed in building a happy home  in Jesus Name.

Z O A Oladejo.

 

 

               

LOVE

INTRODUCTION:

Everyone wants love and without love, life would be incomplete.  People try in many different ways to discover true love, a love that is strong, deep, and lasts for all time. Yet the pursuit of love have caused more heartaches, pain, brokenness and bitterness.

Many teenagers struggle to understand what love is and how they can find it. Many are willing to give almost anything in order to experience love, particularly from someone of the opposite sex.  To many teens love does make the world go round. Yet many teens set themselves up for disappointments, tragic mistakes and miscalculation  because they lack a clear understanding of what love is and what love is not. They confuse real love with other experiences and emotions.

Many public school teach teenagers sex education and mechanics of sex, some even teach teenagers how to apply condoms. However they fail to tell teenagers effective things that will save them from disappointments and disease that is attached to teenage sex.

 

 

 WHAT  LOVE IS NOT.

 

 Real love isn't the same as lust.

Love and lust are often confused in the mind of teenagers especially in the music they listened to and the movie they watch. Love is much more different from lust. Love gives and lust takes. Love values and lust uses, love endures and lust subsides.

Real love isn't the same as romance.

Some guys can speak words that make a girl feel so good inside. Some girls can make a guy feel taller and stronger just by looking into his eye. Candle light dinners, mood music, slow dances, can make a moment special. Romance can be wonderful, but its not love. Romance is a feeling, real love is much more.

 Real love isn't the same as infatuation.

Infatuation is a fascination with an intense interest in someone of the opposite sex. Infatuation can leave a teenager feeling breathless of the opposite sex. When teenagers talk about 'falling in love' or about 'love at first sight', they are usually talking about infatuation. Infatuation can be an overwhelming feeling, but it is not real love.

 Real  love isn't the same as sex.

Sex and love are often confused together as well.  The two are distinct. Love is a process and sex is an act. Love is learned and sex is instinctive. Love require constant attention, and sex takes no effort. Love takes time to develop and mature while sex need no time to develop. Love requires emotional and spiritual interaction, sex requires only physical interaction.  Love deepens a relationship, sex (operating alone) dulls a relationship. Real love is not the same as lust, romance, infatuation or sex.

 

What is love.

 There are three kinds of love.  These are: Love-IF, Love-Because and Love!

Love If.

Love-if is a kind of love that is given or received when certain conditions are met. One must do something to earn this kind of love. For instance, if a child is good, the daddy will love the child. I mean a daddy's love given, if a child gets a good grade. Love-if always has a strings attached. As long as the conditions are met, things are fine. However, when there is a reluctant to meet expectations, for example to have sex, the love is withdrawn.

 

 Love Because-Of. 

Love Because is a kind of love that a person is loved because of something he or she is, has or does. For instance, I love you because you're so beautiful. I love you because you are rich. This type of love is given because of something.

  Love.

This kind of love is love without conditions. It is a kind of love that says , I love you in spite of what the person may be like deep down inside. True and Real love is not a blind love. It can know a great deal about the other person's short comings and fault, yet totally accepts the individual without demanding anything in return.

To be continued ....

 

TEENAGERS AND DATING

TEENAGERS AND DATING.

Introduction: The Problem of Premature Dating.

Teenagers invest massive amount of time, thought, and energy into dating pressure and possibilities. For example, they talk about Who is dating Who? While many young people devote much time and effort to "The Dating Game", only few are prepared for the new stresses and choices that dating presents. Teenagers face intense pressure from others around them to "go out" with someone.

Discuss A:  Why Do Many Teenagers Date.

 Many teenagers date because of the following reasons:

·        Dating is badge of acceptance.

·        It is an evidence of a teenagers worth of attractiveness.

·        Some teenagers date because close friends start dating.

·        Some teenagers are looking for Love, security or support in a date.

·        It is a way to assert their independence by going where they choose and                with whom they choose.

·        Many teenagers just date because they feel it is expected of them to                       date.

Points above are some of the reasons teenagers get involved in dating and a great numbers of teens set themselves up for danger and disappointment because they are playing 'The Dating Game', blindly, ignorant of the many decisions to be made in dating. For a teen to start dating, key decision need to be taken into consideration.  Below are some of these decision:

 

Discuss A:    Decision in dating

(When  to start dating)

Some parents think their children should be certain age before dating. Similarly, some teenagers think they were born ready to date, while others feel they crossed the "date line", when they became teenagers. Though a chronological age is a reliable indicator of a teenagers readiness to date,  the crucial factor is whether he or she is spiritually and emotionally mature to handle the many DECISIONS and DANGERS of dating. While some teenagers may be mature enough at fifteen or sixteen, others may not be mature at such age and probably need to wait longer.

Key Indicators of a Teens readiness for dating.

·        Is he or she often influenced by peer pressure.?

·        Is he or she most attracted to people of his or her own age? 

·        Has the teen committed himself or herself to sexual purity and           determined not to compromise that commitment.?

·        Does the teenager have his or her parent's permission to date ?.

If  the teen child  have a 'No Answer' to the above questions, then the young

teens should be more spiritually and emotionally matured before dating.

 

The Dangers of Dating

 The danger in dating is that the teenager will do something that will seriously damage chances of future happiness and a successful marriage.  It is easy for teens to think, “I have my whole life ahead of me. The choices I make now will not have any effect in future.” However, dating patterns and things a teenagers does will greatly affect the quality of his or her future life. Some of the dangers in dating are :

 

    Dating can lead to broken hearts.

A large part of dating is flirting. Flirting is acting like you love someone. The object of flirting is to create a romantic attachment with the other person with no serious intention. The idea of a romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex is very appealing to teens. Most teenagers realize that the relationship is temporary and with no commitment involved. Both guy and girl realize that either one is free to break up the romance at any time for any reason. This may sound harmless, but as two people become romantically involved, they begin to bond emotionally. Even though there are no commitments, two single people begin to increasingly think of themselves as a couple. They are seen together and viewed as a couple by their friends. They are bonding and becoming emotionally glued together. 

In breaking up, these two hearts which have become glued together are ripped apart. They are emotionally wounded and end up with scars that can last a lifetime. One or both experience a loss of self-esteem and the sense of being rejected. Having a broken heart is no fun; in fact, it can be devastating. Some teenagers try to deal with it by toughening their emotions. They say, “It’s no big deal. I’ll find somebody else." However, a teenagers who is trying to rebound from a failed romance is very vulnerable. The sense of being rejected by someone they loved is devastating. Often they are frantically trying to find someone who shows an interest in them. They often jump quickly into another romantic relationship, which turns out to be worse than the first one.

                   Dating often leads to physical intimacy.

Dating often leads to getting involved sexually. By this, a teenager gives away part of his/herself and can never get it back. Dating can bring a lot of "Emotional Baggage". Physical intimacies become “emotional baggage” that can wreck a teenagers.

                   Dating can create an artificial relationship.

Teenagers try very hard to impress each other by putting on their best, making it difficult to evaluate the other teens true character.

 

          QUESTION :   The Age Factor.
                                             

       ' Does Age make a difference in dating'? Can a fourteen years and a nineteen years old

teenager date.

 Answer:

My answer is no, based on the reason that teen years are a time of major physical, emotional and spiritual changes and some changes may happen so fast that a teens is ill-prepared to handle them.

Conclusion

My teenagers, please be wise. choose the right part in life. Do not allow anyone to deceive you.  Don't rush into dating. Don't join other teenagers that are playing the dating game. There is time for everything. Time to be born and time to go to school. Do something meaningful with your life now that you are young. There is time to actually get involved in dating and time to get married for the rest of your life. WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME!!

 

Zoa  Oladejo.

for:  TEENs  &  MUM.